Jesus Tries to Teach the Multitudes: Part One

And seeing the multitudes, Jesus went up into a mountain: and when he was set, his disciples came unto him. And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying, “Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.”

One of his disciples said, “No, I never heard that one.”

Someone said, “That’s messed up. So, who said that anyway?”

Jesus slowly turned around and said, “It doesn’t matter who said it. It’s just a saying, you know?”

Before he could continue, another disciple said “Lord, I never heard it either, and many of us are missing teeth and a few have but one eye! Why even go there? It’s kind of annoying. Jeez.”

A young disciple said, “Be patient brothers, I think the funny part is coming up.”

Annoyed, Jesus shifted from foot to foot and said, “Verily, I say unto you, some people teach that revenge is okay. But I say unto you, that ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.”

The crowd grew restless. “Dude,” one disciple said, “You want us to do what?” Another disciple questioned, “What does smite mean anyway? It that like a gay thing? I’m really not comfortable with that.”

From the rear of the crowd came a loud voice saying, “Can you guys keep it down? We can’t hear a thing. It’s like a multitude here. Hey, Jesus, can you talk a little louder? Thanks.”

Another said, “Are there any handouts? I can’t stay for the whole thing.”

Jesus spat.

He continued, “And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also.”

“Okay, wait, lemme get this straight. If somebody sues me and rips me off for my coat, I gotta go buy him a cloak?”, said a young disciple.

“No, you’re not listening,” said Jesus. “If somebody takes something from you, it makes you mad, right? So rather than get mad, just give him the damn coat and have a glass of wine. I can help. I’ve been there. ” Jesus paused and said, “No, wait, that’s not it. I got kind of lost in there. Let me start over.”

“Okay, so the main idea is just to treat people with kindness even if they hurt you. Something like that.”

The same disciple said, “Sorry, I just don’t get it.” Yet another said, “Lord, can we go back to the part about an eye for an eye?–I think I was starting to understand that one.”

A voice from the back of the crowd inquired, “Will this be on the test?”

Just a little bit too loudly, Jesus said, “Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.” His face kind of twitched a little.

“Where do you get this stuff from? You just make it up out of your head or you read it somewhere?” Said a disciple.

Another disciple said, “Oh sorry I’m late. It’s a wicked bad traffic jam out there. What did I miss? Can I copy anybody’s notes?”

Jesus threw his cigarette down and said, “Okay, let’s just take a break for now.”