Politically Correct Language Conventions For an Imaginary Publication

Language Convention and Usage

Tormented as he was by a relentless parade of edgy vituperative Catholic nuns during his youth, the author was compelled to employ a ceaseless, painstaking, and excruciating editorial effort to use language that upholds the dignity, honor, and presumed resplendence of all of the peoples of the world—except perhaps nuns themselves and of course, creation scientists.

The author used language free from prejudice, bias, adverbs, and initial caps. A desperately fierce effort was taken to use language inoffensive to every imaginable group, subgroup, virtual group, coven, entity, and population.

No matter how preposterous, self-serving, mythical, or mystical, the author warmly embraces every conceivable precept, philosophy, and perspective of every imaginable group in relation to age, gender, sexual orientation (if any), ethnicity, culture, intelligence, race, color, creed, height, weight, physical malady, psychiatric infirmary, social class, lack of class, odor, ardor, psychic talents, hair density, sexual prowess, or any and all physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual, and psychic strengths, weaknesses, oddities, or curiosities. The author loves you all, unless that it is perceived as offensive by you, in which case he lukewarmly tolerates you—if that’s okay with you, bonehead.

Avoiding a human-centric bias, the author celebrates the richness of the world’s biodiversity and seeks to avoid offending all plants, animals, insects, fungi, microbes, and even as yet unborn and unclassified organisms of every kingdom, phylum, division, class, order, family, genus, and species. We are the world. We are what we eat. Oh, sorry.

To avoid bias toward the living, except when to do so constitutes a public health hazard, the author heartily embraces the dead, people wishing they were dead, and people who believe they are dying but are really suffering from a kind of hypochondriasis, although they are hard to embrace because they have this germ thing going on. In such cases, the author embraces you spiritually, mentally, or metaphorically, as required.

To avoid gender-related biases, this document will use the editorially iniquitous term s/he to refer to both males and females. Individuals of indeterminate or unusual gender as well as children will be referred to as it.

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